did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize