I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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