i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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