I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
