Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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