Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
