I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
