I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I am mentally ready for anal.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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