don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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