Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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