im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my vag is so smooth its legendary
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
