no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
