I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have feelings that need drinking.
Everyone says I win the strip club
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
