When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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