I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
