I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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