I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
