I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize