smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
