can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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