Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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