my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
