i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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