Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
