I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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