My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize