I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
