what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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