if only i could text you this smell
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
