You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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