You just made me feel so damn special
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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