My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
