You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
