textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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