He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
