Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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