there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
