When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
