We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
