P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
