So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
