At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Ketchup is God's man juice
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
