if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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