Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
