This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
