I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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