i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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