How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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