Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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