I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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