So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
