my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
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