I am puke
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
