If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
