Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
