onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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